I can’t believe it’s been three weeks, twenty-five days to be exact. Today was a hard day for me, I woke up and saw your tribute video from GDA, other artists talking about you in their speeches and I cried for awhile. I was very sad all day, each day gets harder and harder because each day the realization hits me more and more that it isn’t all a nightmare.
I can’t handle seeing all these things about you anymore, so I’m taking a break from Twitter and just not going on social media things as much. My best friend suggested it to begin with and said how she’s worried for me about how badly this is affecting me. I’m sorry I’m not able to handle this well yet…
I tend to distract myself and look at things that make me laugh but even when there are moments of laughter or happiness, there’s so much sadness inside and pain in my heart. You’re always on my mind. I’m not going to lie and say there aren’t moments where I’m still angry or get upset with you and think “how could you do this to me?” I’m sorry… even after I already forgave you.
Every night before I sleep, I listen to you and often find myself awake with earbuds in my ears and your music still playing. When I’m in the car, I listen to you. It hurts but it’s comforting in a way. I can see your videos, just not certain things or too much in a day. I haven’t even touched Tokyo Dome yet. As you know, I’m sad mostly at night or when I’m on my way to work and my dad sees the sadness and often asks how I am; I say I miss you and I’m sad. He knows how much you and the boys mean to me so he’s often comforting.
There are times I actually think I’m okay and then there are sudden moments I find myself crying and my mom walked in and asked if I’m okay and I said I’m not, then she comforted me. I find the most comfort in my mother and sister who I often share my feelings with more than anyone; especially my dear sister who I share such a special bond with that it’s like I have another half and would be lost without it. I’m sure your brothers are taking very good care of your mother and sister, don’t worry.
At times, I find myself hostile towards family members and I don’t like it. I don’t mean to be but there’s a lot of things I hold inside and keep to myself that I find myself lashing out towards them. Often times I get frustrated towards my father, I need to work on myself. Another thing happened around the time you went to sleep, a friend often hurt me and ended up not being my friend and I left her and I’m just going through a lot emotionally.
I’m getting so personal with you tonight, aren’t I? As always, I know you won’t see this but I still want to write to you. Sort of like letters, I guess. Besides, the last you heard of me was New Year’s Eve.
Your brothers’ letters gave me a lot of comfort and strength. My biggest regret in life will be that I can’t attend this concert. It has so much meaning behind it and I really want to support them and cheer for them but I can’t. Two of my dear friends are going and they promised they would cheer even harder for me. You’ll be there in spirit but your physical presence will be missed more than anything…
Well, I guess I said everything. I promise I’ll get better, I guess it will just take me awhile. And I’ll try not to be upset with you at times, I just miss you… as always. On days I miss you most, I’ll light your candle and smell the scent that now reminds me of you.
I love you very much, dearest Jonghyun ❤ I’m so sorry I could never say it in person.