Thinking of You

My dearest Jonghyun, today makes it day 84. It’s almost going to be three months and then the 100th day. Time flies, doesn’t it? I’m a bit behind on posting things but I plan to get back on track. It’s just not the same, you understand right? Don’t get me wrong, I want to continue and I will because this site means everything to me and I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to stop. It’s just, the updates were mainly focused on the concerts and the last day was very difficult for me. I hope my followers understand and I’m thankful for their patience.

It’s so hard to see just four there and it’s a constant reminder of how you can never come back. I think how much harder it must be for the other boys and how sad they are. The concerts were difficult for them and I tended to not read fan accounts so much just because it was heartbreaking, but seeing pictures of them smiling and reading how they were able to joke around made me happy. They’re taking the first steps to being okay again. I’m so proud of them.

Recently, a friend mentioned suicide to me and I got upset. They have no idea how much what you did still affects me. I think about you everyday and I distract myself by not looking at SHINee things too much anymore, I haven’t even really touched any videos related to you since last month. Why is that? Anyway, just because I’m not seeing so many things related to you doesn’t mean I don’t think of you. Some days I think of you more than others, especially at night. Some days just hit me really hard and then I’ll miss you a lot, but I’m doing okay. I mentioned you for the first time in awhile today.

I plan to visit Korea in November or maybe December, I’ll be sure to visit your memorial in Coex Artium and give you flowers. I had a dream about you, I just wish I could remember clearly what it was. You were still alive and I saw you at night with the moon shining but that’s all I remember. I always remember so many pointless dreams, I just wish I could remember this one… anyway, I’m glad I dreamt about you.

It’s almost your birthday, as well as mine. I’ll be sure to celebrate your day some way. As always, I miss you and love you very much ❤


Jonghyun Memorial


Thank you for supporting me in this and taking part in the memorial for our Jonghyun. All the letters are beautiful and your words of support for me that were included in the emails were much appreciated and I hold them in my heart, really. Thank you for the patience while it took me a bit long to do this and I changed the date a few times.

This is the song he made for us to give us comfort during his death and here is a video with translations below.

“I can’t just watch you be the same as me”, really hit me. You see, he loves all of us so much. Please try to be happy for him and get better. Don’t fall down the same path he did. I often get the question as to why did he do it, didn’t we or SHINee or his family mean anything to him, etc. I get it, I ask myself those questions too. Nothing could ever justify what he did or make it less selfish but I do forgive him and I understand he wasn’t in his right state of mind. People make depression out to be some mental disorder, in reality, it’s a feeling that tries to tear you apart and it gets worse and worse to the point you fall down the same path Jonghyun did. It consumes you if you let it and it weakens you if you’re not strong enough to fight it. Please don’t be the same as him, please may no more Shawols kill themselves. I know you’re strong enough to be okay. I always tell people, there has to be darkness to see the stars. Overcome your darkness and see the shining star that Jonghyun is now.

Hopefully, this memorial won’t be sad but it brings you peace.

Here is a beautiful letter from Annalee:

“Dear Jonghyun,

I still don’t know how to write this, a memorial, a tribute.  I still don’t know how to write about you in the past tense.  But I want to participate in a memorial, to make sure you are remembered, to make sure everyone knows how much we love you.

To start off with what I loved most about you.  I wasn’t sure what my answer to that was.  There are obvious answers, such as your talent, your voice, your smile; there are deeper ones, such as your courage, your support, your compassion.  I loved how you always encouraged others, and stood up for what you believed in, even if I didn’t always agree.  I loved how you sought to help people, how you looked after your brothers, mother, and sister.  And there are little things; I loved how you always fixed your hair in front of any reflective surface, I loved how you got excited over matters, the way you looked at your brothers.  But to say I loved any of these most can’t be done.  It is a hard question because, when you love someone, you love them as a whole; you overlook faults, and even small eccentricities become dear, so pinpointing a reason or a trait that mattered most, I can’t decide.  I love you because you are Jonghyun, one of the bright, shining stars that made my life so much better, who brought me joy just by seeing you, who worked so hard and achieved so much and yet remained humble (mostly, as I still remember the comment about how your heart didn’t flutter, you made other hearts flutter 😉 ).

The second, to name a favorite memory of you; that was easier, for I saw you in person in Chicago, and despite how dreamlike it seems over a year and a half later, that night is easily one of my most important memories of you and your brothers.  To sit there in the same room and see you in front of me, surrounded by people who loved all of you the same way I did, I am grateful I had the chance to experience.  I will cherish that night in my heart, and continue to cherish every new memory as well.

So, my love, this concludes yet another letter.  I only want to add, thank you for your life, and for giving so much of it to others to make them happy.  Now I know you are, too, and far along in the future, I will see you and tell you myself.

As always, I love you, Jonghyun.  And I always will.”

Here is a beautiful letter from April:

“Jonghyun, I hope you’re well and making music in heaven. I always admired your talent and how hard you worked to make music, I miss the time of SM The Ballad and really didn’t appreciate your work till it was too late. I was so happy when I got the chance to get a copy of your Story Op.2 CD earlier this year, the first item of yours that I bought despite all the different CDs you have with SHINee. There are so many moments about you that are memorable but the one that’s always stuck in my head is the live video of U&I with the white top and big wide brimmed hat, you looked so happy to be freely jamming with the band. I’m sure a lot of people were happy that day. 
You did well our dino Bling Bling. Please look after your brothers from heaven, they are working hard so you won’t be forgotten.”
And this beautiful letter from JM is uploaded as a Word document:
Thank you for participating and I’m sure they made Jonghyun happy and gave a sense of comfort to other Shawols and even helped them in ways, I’m sure. If anyone else would like to participate, it’s not too late to share your feelings or a message to Jonghyun by leaving them in comments. If not, it’s perfectly okay.
Jonghyun, it’s day forty-two. Or is it forty-three? I seem to be a bit mixed up, I’m sorry. I miss you as always. The concert will be coming up soon around the two month mark of since you went to sleep and part of me is looking forward to it while the other part of me is dreading it, I suppose. I just don’t want to see the concert and you not being there and I know the other boys will have a hard time. But then I think how much they suffer even way more than me so I know I can be strong and support them. They seem to be doing better and that makes me happy, they look tired and you notice the sadness and heartache is there but they’re doing much better than the last time I saw them. It helped to put my mind at ease a bit. I’m getting your album soon, it seems like your last gift to us is my favorite album of yours, thank you. I’ll cherish it always. I actually wrote a letter for you the other day which will be in transit to Korea soon and will reach your memorial place in SM Coex Artium, so I’m glad you’ll be able to receive. I’m sorry I can’t send flowers too. I’ll do my best to send the boys flowers with an encouraging letter of support to their Japan waiting room, once I do some research and find out if there’s a way. I’m sure they would like that. Well, I seem to be at a loss of words since I just wrote you that letter a day ago. Until my next letter, I love you and miss you always ❤

Jonghyun Memorial New Date

Hello, I hope you’re all well.

The new date for the memorial I’m hosting on here will be Sunday, January 28th. Thank you for your patience since this is a bit difficult for me. If any of you wanted to share your thoughts or feelings and messages to him by emailing me with the subject “Jonghyun Memorial” then you still have time. It’s a few days away still so don’t rush. I understand it’s difficult. Thanks to those who have shared their feelings and submitted their letters to me as well.

Yes, I see them and read them. I’m sorry for not responding if you were expecting a response, one was so beautiful I was even at a loss for words and brought me to tears. Also, it’s good to hear often from my friends and followers here that I bring much comfort to them and inspirational sayings. It makes me glad to know I can be some strength.

Jonghyunnie 2.jpg

Day thirty-five, your last gift to us came today. Thank you! Seeing the music video was hard and I wasn’t ready but did it anyway since I knew I would see clips on social media and I wanted to help with streaming. I guess this is really goodbye, isn’t it? We can’t get anymore real than this, it’s impossible to continue to deny reality. I wish you were alive to see the success of your album and the recognition you’ve always wanted for your talent. Why is it people show they care when it’s too late? People and things are often taken for granted but the truth is, anything could happen. A person could die for whatever reason and the world may end any minute. People with a lot of money are careless with it, people put work before loved ones, people forget to appreciate the simple things such as the beauty of a sunset or simply a bird in a tree. I hope people stop taking things and those in their lives for granted.

I want you to know that I never took you or SHINee for granted. I love and appreciate every moment I have with you boys in my life and whenever the day comes for the group SHINee to rest as well and the boys go their separate ways, I’ll hold onto the memories like I have of you. The album, especially the song “Before Spring Comes”, was a punch in the gut and it all hurt way more than I could have ever imagined. I’m still not okay quite yet, am I? I wonder when I’ll completely recover from this and not be sad when I think of you at all. I’m still upset with you at times, I’m sorry. When this album came out, I just thought “such a waste”. But what’s done is done, it was your choice and I have no choice but to accept that. It’s been such a bittersweet day. It’s the first time I had feelings of sadness mixed with happiness during a comeback. I hope you’re doing well. As always, I love you and miss you ❤

Jonghyun “Poet | Artist” Album Cover and Tracklist

1. 빛이 나 (Shinin’)

2. 환상통 (Only One You Need)

3. 와플 (#Hashtag)

4. 기름때 (Grease)

5. Take The Dive

6. 사람 구경 중 (Sightseeing)

7. Rewind

8. 하루만이라도 (Just for a day)

9. 어떤 기분이 들까 (I’m So Curious)

10. Sentimental

11. 우린 봄이 오기 전에 (Before Our Spring)

Jongyhun Poet Artist Cover

If it’s hard for you to read his letter on the cover, it’s as follows:

“We can be together in this space, while being on the other side of the earth, we can be together at any time, not just at 12 o’clock. Physical matters certainly remained indifferent in our space, I only hope for this to never cease, I hope this space that belongs to you & me, be the site for anyone to rest in tranquility. I hope for our memories to rise as reminiscences and embrace you like no other, this is dedicated to those who have created our space together. Thank you.”