Thinking of You

My dearest Jonghyun, today makes it day 84. It’s almost going to be three months and then the 100th day. Time flies, doesn’t it? I’m a bit behind on posting things but I plan to get back on track. It’s just not the same, you understand right? Don’t get me wrong, I want to continue and I will because this site means everything to me and I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to stop. It’s just, the updates were mainly focused on the concerts and the last day was very difficult for me. I hope my followers understand and I’m thankful for their patience.

It’s so hard to see just four there and it’s a constant reminder of how you can never come back. I think how much harder it must be for the other boys and how sad they are. The concerts were difficult for them and I tended to not read fan accounts so much just because it was heartbreaking, but seeing pictures of them smiling and reading how they were able to joke around made me happy. They’re taking the first steps to being okay again. I’m so proud of them.

Recently, a friend mentioned suicide to me and I got upset. They have no idea how much what you did still affects me. I think about you everyday and I distract myself by not looking at SHINee things too much anymore, I haven’t even really touched any videos related to you since last month. Why is that? Anyway, just because I’m not seeing so many things related to you doesn’t mean I don’t think of you. Some days I think of you more than others, especially at night. Some days just hit me really hard and then I’ll miss you a lot, but I’m doing okay. I mentioned you for the first time in awhile today.

I plan to visit Korea in November or maybe December, I’ll be sure to visit your memorial in Coex Artium and give you flowers. I had a dream about you, I just wish I could remember clearly what it was. You were still alive and I saw you at night with the moon shining but that’s all I remember. I always remember so many pointless dreams, I just wish I could remember this one… anyway, I’m glad I dreamt about you.

It’s almost your birthday, as well as mine. I’ll be sure to celebrate your day some way. As always, I miss you and love you very much ❤